It’s 12:30 am when I’m writing this and I just got home from babysitting three littles, and I can’t sleep even if my life depended on it. It’s okay though, because I’ve been using this time to do most of my thinking. I guess in a way that sucks, because I would actually really love to be sound asleep right now. Instead, I’m laying here and can’t get comfortable while I listen to airplanes and wonder where the hell I put my chapstick.
2017 was a hard year. I know that’s something a lot of people have said, but I think it’s because it’s so true. Everyone dealt with 2017 differently, the same way we’ll all take on 2018 differently and so on and so forth. But this is my blog, so forgive me but I’m gonna talk about me. Last year sucked for the most part. I lost myself in a lot of ways. A job I loved turned into a job I couldn’t love anymore, but I stayed because I kept telling myself that age old mantra “it gets better” but it wasn’t getting better, and it didn’t. I don’t want to say I hated my old job because that would be a lie. I loved my job and the vast majority of all it entailed, I thought and still think highly of my coworkers, but a large part of that job was destroying me. I think it was mostly the environment. I just didn’t feel like I was being challenged, and when I was challenged it wasn’t for my own benefit by any means. Money was tight, and a lot of the things I wanted to do and that Danny and I wanted to do got put off , and are still being put off. That sucks. I left in December.
Life isn’t pretty we all get a little wrecked sometimes, if God is listening, people think you’re out of your mind, even if you believe it – through all the hard times, I’M ON YOUR SIDE.
Let me say that once you lose yourself, finding yourself is really fucking hard. You catch glimpses here and there, but it’s definitely a road of recovery. I think I was at my worst in November. I felt so defeated and emotionally exhausted at the end of every day, and I dreaded going back. But I’m lucky to have Danny, Johnni, and my family as heavy duty anchors. He’d make me laugh when I felt like I couldn’t stop crying. I’m more myself with him than I ever have been with anyone. Even now, after crawling into bed so late and waking him up, he just smiled and said “hey, babe” and I felt safe and so at ease.
Johnni let me vent and hated everyone when I couldn’t and she helped hold me up by being my backbone. My mom and dad would tell me to focus all my energy on finding a new adventure. So I fucking did. And man, is it nice.
While I go back to school and work part time, we are putting a lot of time and energy into launching a small brand of tees and other accessories because it’s stuff we want to wear, and I hope you’ll all like it too. I haven’t been so passionate about life, love, a project, or myself in a long time; but it’s showing in every piece we’ve created and every moment of each day I’m happier and feel more myself and more passionate about everything.
It’s hard admitting I can’t do everything.
When I created my first Etsy shop in 2011, I invested a lot of my income on resources and managed everything in my bedroom. But times have changed and we’re not in any place to buy screen printing equipment to put in a one bedroom apartment. Even the silk screens would be a nightmare with our youngest pup, Cody, who feels the need to eat everything in his path. This all means we have to outsource our printing, and in the most cost effective way. Threadless.com is the most cost effective way for us to get the shop running, and longterm, we’d love more space to be able to print in house. Not having control over this process is definitely driving me crazy, but I know I need to have faith and pride in what we’re making and hope it will all fall into place. If you wanna see and maybe buy a couple things, we’re over at wolf & bear co. A separate post about this process is coming sometime next week, I swear.
This post is all over the place, but I guess that what I’m trying to say is that it’s okay to find yourself and fall in love with yourself and those around you all over again. I wasn’t sure if I would ever get to that point, and it feels amazing. So go forth and do what makes you happy. Surround yourself with people who will always be on your side. Be on your own fucking side.